Be Whoever You Want To Be with Gala Darling
I cannot contain my excitement for today’s interview because I am connecting with one of my favorite people. I’ve been following her online since I first started on Instagram. She is one of my biggest super expanders and she is a fucking bad-ass all around.
Drum roll please 🥁
Today’s guest on Under the Surface is Gala Darling. She’s a bestselling author, entrepreneur, speaker, a professional optimist, and a magical unicorn. Today we’re diving into some life chats on dating, relationships, showing up authentically, and more.
If you’re not following Gala Darling–wake up!
For the Human Design nerds: Gala is an emotional Manifestor and she only has the channel 12-22 defined, so there’s lots of openness in her chart.
Let’s dive Under the Surface with Gala Darling
Gala has been in the online space for such a long time and has moved in a few different directions with her business and the way she shows up. She have hundreds of thousands of followers who are diehard fans.
What has the journey been like to get to where you are? What got you from A to B? Where has the journey taken you?
“Wow, what a question. Well, This might be my Aquarius rising talking, but I feel like I have been able to understand myself and define myself better as I evolve my image and my persona online, with an audience.
I really see the online persona as like a magical process and a process of reclamation. And when I started using the internet, I was 13 years old and I started looking at newsgroups and creating websites and realizing that I had the power to be whoever I wanted to be.
I changed my name to Gala Darling when I was 23 years old. When I did that, I realized…you can claim something bigger and better for yourself. And for me, the internet is a really beautiful testing ground for establishing a new idea of who I want to be and who I've kind of created.
I feel like that's my canvas…It's where I play and I experiment and I try things, and then I see how I feel about it. And then I can really embody it in my real life.
That's always an ongoing process and there's things that I'm comfortable doing on the internet that I'm not as comfortable doing in person. And I'm moving towards doing more of that or being more of that. But, for me, the internet is like a super fun Pee-wee's Playhouse kind of a place for me.”
I’m so curious, what are you comfortable doing online that you’re not comfortable doing in real life?
“This is about embodying that Jessica Rabbit energy that lives in my heart, that I can do for an audience, but am much more intimidated by doing [it] for a partner.
I remember reading a thing a little while ago that said that Kim Kardashian said that she was really shy in the bedroom. And I remember thinking that's crazy. And then thinking, “I totally understand that,” because with the internet, you're really performing intimacy for a group. And it's much less scary for some reason, because you're totally controlling it. Right? You're lighting it. You're editing it. You're cutting it. You're cropping it. You take 55 photos to pick the perfect two in person.
It's much more intimidating because you're actually being shown and being seen as your, perhaps, imperfect self. So, I understand that idea of cultivating an image online that you get to control and then being less comfortable doing that kind of thing in person.”
I feel like this is such a great segue into this topic of feminine energy and embodiment. You just launched your new book, Venus Codes, which is all about this topic.
Are you sharing your behind the scenes journey with that? How much of this process is being comfortable with being intimate with a partner and reclaiming that feminine energy within yourself?
“I guess it's 50-50.
Half of it is about me getting right with myself and feeling good about myself and healing my stuff. Then, the other half of it is being with someone who is safe and can hold you and will be there with you through that, and also holds you to a higher standard by, you know, seeing what you're capable of. And doesn't just let you make excuses and be a smaller version of you. Like my partner is a very strong man and he holds me and himself accountable for high standards. And so, I think it's really 50-50.
It's like, you know, you can't heal this stuff just by being with a partner. You have to look at yourself, you have to. You’ll do those things for yourself, but you also can't do it alone. You have to practice it with someone else.
My friend, Jessica Snow, years ago–in fact, actually the weekend that I met [my partner], but I didn't really know that I was going to meet him–she said to me, ‘Gala, there are some things that can only be healed in relationship.’
I think we also have to be so mindful that we're not using our astrology, our Human Design, our attachment style, our story about the past, as an excuse for not stepping into who we know we can truly be. And it's extremely tempting to make excuses.
I do it all the fucking time and it's like–I give the example in the Venus Codes of: It's great to have an awareness of these things and think about doing them, but it's not enough to think about them. You have to actually do them.
I use the example of if you don't feed your children, but you say to the court like, ‘Oh, well I was thinking about feeding them.’ They're still going to put you in jail.
We have to really push ourselves to do the things that are uncomfortable, because it is only then that we get to change our patterns.
Having an awareness of your pattern is not enough. At some point, the rubber has to meet the road and you have to do the thing that you really don't want to fucking do. And that is super hard and it sucks and it's challenging. But, the thing that I'm discovering about doing the thing that we're so afraid of is [that] it's way scarier to think about doing it than to actually do it.
There’s a thing that you’ve been putting off doing for six months, and then when you finally do it, it literally takes you three minutes, and you’re like ‘why did I not just do that?’”
I’m laughing right now because this was me with going to the dentist. It had been years and I had all these stories about how I was going to have all of these cavities, they’re going to have to pull teeth–I was spiralling. Then, I finally made a dentist appointment and it was like 20 minutes. All I had was extra plaque.
I think some people struggle with this because there is a lot of language about this glorification of ease and pleasure, which is obviously important that we reclaim pleasure, but…
What part do you think that this resistance has to play in that reclamation and in that ease of life?
“Well, I think it's a balance, right?
Like we don't want to live a hundred percent in our feminine. We'd never get anything done. We'd just lie on a Lily pad and float around any bonbons, you know, like we need the balance of both. You need the structure of the masculine so that your feminine can flow and create and play. Like if there's no structure, you'll be playing and flowing and creating all day, but you won't have any money and you'll get kicked out of your house.
So, it's really about the balance. And I think we talk about like, ‘Yes, live in pleasure. Only do what feels good,’ and sometimes the things that feel good in the short term don't feel good long-term.
It feels great to lie on the couch and order takeout, but long-term, that doesn't feel good. So a lot of the stuff that we think about ‘do what feels good,’ we actually need to look at a long-term view of.
Like I know that if I ride my Peloton every morning, I'm going to feel really good when I get dressed. And I'm going to feel really confident when I'm naked. But if I don't do that, then I won’t. So, that short term pleasure actually has a long-term negative effect. So we really have to just be mindful about this and kind of not just act like, you know, four year olds. Like, no, you're a grown up and your actions have consequences and we need to think about those.”
What was the catalyst for you to tap into your feminine more? What guided you to that?
“So, for those of you listening at the start of 2020, I decided that I was going to go on a hundred dates and I was going to write a book about it.
I really started writing that book because my relationships were a shit show and I kept attracting like the same guy with a different head, you know? As I started writing that book, I started realizing what my patterns were and…that I was a bit of a female fuck boy.
I'd meet these guys, date them, and we'd have a great time. I'd kind of tell them I wanted something serious. But then as soon as they started to get close to me, I'd be like no. And I'd pull away and I would detach and I would date other people and kind of play games with them. And that was part of my initiation into this.
Then when I started dating my partner, there was a really interesting point shortly after we started dating where I literally said to him, ‘Hey, I'm spending too much time thinking about you. And I think it's really affecting my business. So I'm going to pull back a little bit. I just can't let my business fail.’
That really changed the dynamic in our relationship and not in a positive way.
I started to realize that all of those things that I fought were me being safe and practical and logical and…was actually just me being fucking terrified of intimacy and closeness, and really being seen by someone.
He and I were talking about [it] this morning, about how for me, it was always easy to get into a relationship when I didn't care about someone. We could have a great time. I could be like everything I wanted to be in person, but as soon as I started to care or get invested, I would freak out and shut down and close off.
And when I really looked at my past relationships, like, unblinkingly, unwaveringly honesty, I realized I'd done that to every man I'd ever dated. It got serious. I turned off my feminine and I held them at a distance and that has fucking consequences, you know? And, I just decided that wasn't the way I wanted to keep living my life.
I'm 38 years old and I don't want to keep getting into relationships then shutting down, then ending the relationship and then starting again. Like, this is not a pattern I'm enjoying. So I was like, ‘okay, well, what do I do to heal this, fix this, change this, move through it?’
And that's really the journey of the Venus Codes.
It has been one of the most intense transformations I've ever had and one of the most ego blistering as well, because you realize that a lot of what you've been telling yourself is total bullshit. And I've always prided myself on like, ‘I'm honest with myself, I'm real with myself, blah, blah, blah.’
And discovering that I really hadn't been was eye-opening.
A big argument that I used to have was ‘Well, this is just how I am. So, if you don’t like it, then tough shit.’
But, what I realized is…if my partner treated me the way I'm treating him, how would I feel about it? If my partner was like, ‘Hey, I'm spending too much time on you. My business is actually more important. If you call me during the day I'm fucking working so I'm not going to answer.’
How would I feel?
And I realized when I looked at all of my past partners, boyfriends, my ex-husband, everyone, they had always prioritized me. They had always placed me as number one in the ranking. Always. And I had always placed them at two, maybe three.
That shit fucking hurts. That's not kind. That's not fair. That's not cool.
We tell ourselves like, ‘well, you know, I'm a fucking boss bitch. I'm a girl boss. I got things to do and building my empire, blah, blah, blah.’
No, you're just fucking terrified. Actually. Sorry. I hate to tell it. You're a workaholic because intimacy is terrifying.”
So much of your brand is fully and completely loving, accepting, and forgiving yours. What has that looked like for you over the years? What are some of those fears, shadows, and insecurities that you’ve had to heal in order to be who you are now?
“Hm, well, it's interesting. When I started tapping, which is really where the loving and accepting and forgiving myself stuff comes from, that's really where that happens. I started doing that when I was 23 and a few months later, I started my blog, which then has become…my business and my…Instagram and my products and all of those things. When I started my business, I was really gung ho on tapping. And I would write down every insecurity that came up every single day.
I always say that business and career and entrepreneurship is like a spiritual bootcamp. Every single belief you have about yourself, your worthiness, your place, and your mission will be tested.
And so, really tapping on every single thing that came up like:
Is anyone going to listen to me?
Does anybody care?
Am I ever going to make money doing this?
Why would anyone want to listen to me?
Interestingly, to kind of go with what we've just spoken about, I spent…16 years really healing… And as a result, there are other parts of my life, like my relationships, that really took a backseat, and I didn't put as much attention on.
When we don't pay a lot of attention to an area, that area is going to suffer. And so, I would say that a lot of the loving and accepting and forgiving myself stuff has been around business, money, abundance, perception, and the public.
Now I'm more in a phase of like, ‘Well, can I bring that same energy to, you know, how I look, how I am with a partner, how I show up for a partner, et cetera.’”
You built your brand on being an unique individual who doesn’t really give a fuck what anyone else thinks. Was that part of the alter ego you wanted to step into in the beginning? Have you always felt this way?
“I was always unique and kind of individual…when I was about 13, I went to a new school and I remember being sort of adopted by a group of like the coolest girls in my class. There were like five of them and we were friends and we talked on the phone all the time and we did all these things together…And then one day they just stopped talking to me.
They wouldn't return my phone calls. They wouldn't answer the phone, they ignored me at school, et cetera. And I remember that being a real turning point for me.
I remember thinking: “I am not going to try to please anyone else. I'm not going to try and fit into a group. There's no security or safety in that. I am just going to do my own thing.”
And very shortly thereafter, I discovered like the goth subculture and I started wearing…like a corset and a dog collar to school and I would carry a fucking metal lunch box and I would wear silver angel wings all the time…I realized that there was so much power in being myself.
The response I would get from people was so positive because I had the courage to do what most people wanted to do, but couldn't. I really have always, ever since that happened, kind of had that like, fuck you ethos.
I've just been building on it more and more. I think when you're a public person on the internet, you get a lot of hate and a lot of shit thrown at you and so there's levels to working through it…But it's always been something, ever since then, that I have had. I think…that can come with its own challenges too. Right?
Sometimes I'm very honorary, like, everyone's doing something [and] I don't want to do it. So, I have to work through my own rebellion sometimes. That is very strong in me. I think ever since I had that incident, I've been very much about doing my own thing and have loved doing my own thing.
[I] didn't really give a shit if I fit in or not, because I knew that it was better to have a couple of people who really got me and I loved than to please everyone by trying to fit in.”
Who are some of your super expanders? Who are the people that you admire so much and have helped you step more into who you are and the life that you’ve built?
“Over the years, it has changed a lot.
Obviously, I remember when I was a teenager, I was really inspired by Hunter S. Thompson and just to larger than life characters. I was really obsessed with…an editor of Harper's Bazaar and Vogue magazine called Diana Vreeland, who just like, truly lived in her own world and really did whatever she wanted. I’m really inspired by what Tony Robbins has built. I think he's a fucking boss.
But, honestly, I do find it hard to see people that I'm truly inspired by. I might be inspired by an element of someone's lifestyle or something like that, but I see a lot of people…pretend to be something that they're actually not.
They might present this great image, but behind the scenes what's going on is either totally different or they don't live with a lot of integrity. And so I do honestly find it hard to find people that I really look up to…It’s fucking rare for me. I wish it wasn’t.”
So, what's on your vision board right now?
“Well, it's so interesting that you say that because I was just thinking about how in the last couple of years I've really manifested most of the things that I want.
I was talking to my dad and he was like, ‘Well, what's driving you right now?’
I was like, ‘I don't know, really.’
He was like, ‘Well, I think it's time for you to set yourself some new goals and some new sights.’ But right now, I'm a little bit unsure of what that looks like, you know?
I have these great material possessions. I don't really feel the need to buy myself another car, like I'm good. I don't really want to buy a house, because I kind of like to be free in that way. I have goals for my business, but those are just like…yeah, we'll just get them done. It's kind of simple.
And so I almost feel like my next big vision, the next goal is really about healing my heart. And it's like more of an internal journey than something I can put on Instagram…I think that my next level is purely internal.
I know that my life will transmute and transform…as a result of that. But I don't really know what that looks like, which is interesting, cause usually, I'm so visual. I kind of paint the picture and then call it in.
This is more about feeling into something, which is definitely a new thing for me. But I'm excited about that. There's a lot of potential and possibility.”
So, I have one more question…Why don’t you speak about business? Or do you plan to teach about business in the future?
“Why don't I speak or teach about business? Uh, because it doesn't really feel that fun to me!
I think if I could figure out a way to make that fun, then I would happily do it. But I think that when you start teaching about business, people want to know about really boring shit, like taxes, accountants, systems, and processes. And I really don't care about those things.
Like I do them and I have my ways of doing things, but they don't light me up. I am not passionate about them. What I'm really passionate about is creating and sharing with people and seeing them shift. To me, business is just a tool I use to get there….Like, I love business, but I don't really feel called to teach it, at all.
It gets so serious with people so quickly and that's just not a space I like to play in.”
Thank you so much, Gala. This has just been a life highlight for me personally. I’m sure for a lot of listeners as well.
How can we get in touch with you?
“The best place to find me is on Instagram @galadarling.
I just started blogging again on YouTube, which is very exciting, so you can find me on YouTube.
I have all my classes and courses on my site.
If you want to join us in High Vibe Honey, which is our weekly tapping membership, we join together on Zoom, tap as a group, [and] there’s hundreds of us. So fun. You can use the coupon code FREEMONTH for a free month trial, which you’ll love.”
Thank you for joining us Gala! It has been an honor and a pleasure to have you.
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Love you 😘😘
