Surviving the First Trimester (for the second time)

Nausea. Food aversions. Sore boobs. Exhaustion. Unpredictable moods. Loss of all motivation to do anything and everything. Zero patience for my 3 year old son. Complete and utter disinterest in any social activity. I feel like I’m describing some weird and depressing disease, but I’m actually describing the last three months of my life as a pregnant woman.

I was so not ready for this. My first pregnancy was so...nice. I felt cute and excited and life as I knew it went on. So imagine my surprise this January when I suddenly couldn’t function as myself anymore. I kept asking my friends with 2+ kids, “why didn’t you complain more?! Why don’t people talk about how hard this is?!”

But seriously, why don’t we? I feel like we talk about everything on social media these days, so why don’t we talk about this incredibly transformative experience and everything that goes along with it? Yes, we all want to be sensitive to our sisters who struggle to conceive or who have lost a baby (love to you all). But I think we should talk about all of that too. Not simply to complain or throw any pity parties, but because none of us should have to bear the burden alone. And we never know who we can help get through something difficult, simply by sharing our story and how we made it to the other side.

So here is my story and how I made it to the other side. This was my survival kit for the first trimester, and not coincidentally, for any other difficult time in my life as a mother.

1. Acceptance

   “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

   It might seem simple, but for a slightly neurotic, recovering perfectionist like me, accepting things I don’t like can be really difficult. But I had to accept that I was nauseous and tired and that I didn’t have energy for much of anything, because these were all things that I could not change. Once I actually came to terms with how I was feeling, it made it easier for me to surrender my need for control and work with what I had in the moment.

2. Mindfulness

   This was hard. I think cultivating a practice of mindfulness is difficult for most people, but when you have very limited energy this simple (yet profound) practice can seem like it’s just too much work. It was absolutely necessary for me though, because it brought self-awareness at a time when I felt like I didn’t really know myself. I would constantly ask myself “how am I feeling right now? What do I need?” which allowed me to feel like I was being proactive, even when all I needed in the moment was to find a way to take a nap. This practice helped me realize and accept that I simply did not have the energy or the desire to write blog or social media posts, but that I did have an itch to do something creative with my hands at night (which is why I took up crochet).

3. Asking for help

   Why is asking for help so hard? I have personally offered my help to countless friends and strangers (and genuinely meant it), but could probably count on one hand how many people have taken me up on it. Which, in turn, subconsciously made me believe that they just didn’t really need the help because they “have it together.” So when I needed help, there was that little mean voice in the back of my head wondering what was wrong with me? Was I weak or incompetent? Why was I having such a hard time when all these other moms seem to be cruising?

   This is where mindfulness is so key. We need to recognize that voice and realize that it’s not us. It’s insecurities and conditioning we’ve accumulated along the way from other people, media, experiences, etc. It’s the collective mean girl that we ALL hear from time to time. And we all need to realize that we don’t need to listen to her, because she’s a bitch just trying to bring us down.

   Ask for the help. Your friends, your family, the sweet old lady who just moved in next door. Let them watch your toddler while you take a nap. Let them bring you a smoothie in the middle of the day because it’s the only thing you can stomach but can’t stand the thought of driving anywhere. I have news for you: helping you will actually make them feel good (it’s science), so you’re doing them a favor. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. In fact, I think you’re pretty friggin awesome and strong if you have the courage and awareness to ask for what you need. Cheers, mama.

4. Prioritize

   Let me just say this right now: no one will die if the dishes don’t get done or the laundry never gets folded. But someone could get hurt if you pass out with a house full of toddlers or if you miss an important deadline at work. If you’re in your first trimester and you’re as exhausted as I was, you need to first just accept that you’re incredibly tired, and then figure out the absolute essentials that you personally must do or ask someone else to do for you (surrender control!).

   For me, that meant rest was my number one priority. I went to bed as early as possible, and napped every time my son napped. The only food I “cooked” for 3 months was canned soup and the occasional pot of pasta and guess what? Everyone survived. I run a business that usually requires me to be online a lot, but I simply didn’t have it in me. So apart from seeing my one-on-one clients, I took a break from everything else. Of course that’s a perk of working for yourself but even if you work for someone else, figure out what you absolutely have to do to keep your job, and what you can put off until you feel better. It’s ok if you don’t cure cancer or land a billion dollar client in your first trimester.

5. Do things that you know will make you feel better

   This one is hard too because in the moment, you don’t want to do anything. But when you’re in this first trimester slump, you need to do what you can to lift yourself up. The first thing I did was recognize the times when I felt best: between 8:30 and 11am. This meant that I planned to make the most of my time with my son during these hours. Whether it was just digging in the sand at the beach, climbing with him at the park, or doing puzzles on the floor, I carved the time out and mentally prepared myself because I knew I wouldn’t have the energy to do anything in the afternoon. This also meant that on the days he was at school, I saw clients at this time. I knew I’d be able to bring the energy and insight they deserved, and I made sure not to overextend myself by scheduling outside of this window.

6. Release the guilt

   No one benefits when we beat ourselves up. So whether you feel guilty that you didn’t do anything all day or that you let your kid watch an hour of TV while you slept next to him or that your family ate boxed mac and cheese 6 nights in a row or that you completely lost your marbles and yelled over something stupid, please do the world a favor and let it go. Take a deep breath, recognize what triggered you, and strive to do better next time, but remember that you’re human and that you’re doing the best you can in this moment. And guess what? The best you can is GOOD ENOUGH. Say it with me: I am enough. I am enough. I am enough!

Ok. That’s my survival kit. Sorry if you thought I was going to share my favorite anti-nausea tea or all natural energy drink that doesn’t make you jittery, but nothing really worked for me except for what I just listed. Just trust that during this time (and well, all the time), your body is wise. Your body knows what you need and is simply communicating it to you. It’s your job to pay attention and to nurture yourself in whatever way necessary in the moment.

I’d love to hear from you! If you relate to anything on this list, or there’s something you would add, leave a comment. This is a community of moms, for moms, so let’s help each other out.