Dealing with Mom Rage

Have you ever felt that switch go off inside of you that makes you go from cool, collected, patient mom to...Monster Mom? Where suddenly your eyes get wide and your blood boils and you’re yelling (maybe even screaming) at your child even though you swore you never would? Then as soon as you realize you’re doing it, the guilt and shame and anxiety set in? You’re convinced you just traumatized your child for life and believe for a minute that you’re the worst mother on the planet.

I’ve been there, can you tell?

Honestly, I’ve been there more frequently as of late than I’d like to admit (to myself or to you). I’m sure the pregnancy hormones aren’t helping, but I know there are so many other factors contributing to my loss of control. In this blog post I’m sharing my process of self-reflection and how it led me back to myself and the parenting values I hold dear: respect, compassion, patience, balance, and FUN.

Step 1: feeling all the feels

I am completely averse to feeling angry. I grew up with two Aries parents  who were very...fiery. I’ve seen anger bring out the absolute worst in people and I’ve never admired the complete loss of control that anger can trigger. So for much of my life, I have done my absolute best to stay “cool as a cucumber,” not letting anyone or anything ruffle my feathers too much. But alas, my child brings the fire out of me in ways I wasn’t prepared for, and I know that a big part of my healing needs to be me allowing myself to feel my anger in all its depth.

I stopped running from it. I stopped trying to breathe and meditate and “self-care” myself out of it. I took some time alone to sit with the anger; I felt it in my body, and I saw myself from the outside looking in. I told myself it was ok to feel angry and that it was ok to feel triggered by my son. I asked myself where the anger came from and I acknowledged the answer even though I didn’t like it. I cried...a lot. This seemingly simple practice of surrendering to my feelings brought up a lot of forgotten memories and physical sensations. But I felt a release and I felt relieved to have allowed myself to swim in it for awhile. I feel lighter now as a result. I am grateful for my membership to To Be Magnetic’s The Pathway for helping to guide some of this process. I highly recommend checking it out if you’re ready to dive into your subconscious (not sponsored, I just think it’s a super valuable life tool).

Step 2: being honest with myself

Some of the moms in our Present Parent community shared their experience of mom rage as a result of feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and/or depleted. As someone who actually educates other women on the importance of self-care, I felt like this didn’t apply to me. But when I took an honest look at my daily habits, I realized how much my own self-care rituals and routines have fallen to the wayside since I got pregnant a few months ago.

Over the past few years, I’ve done the work to understand what self-care actually means to me and how to make it non-negotiable in my daily life. I’ve prioritized sleep, good nutrition, exercise, mindfulness, romance, social interaction, creativity, and laziness to ensure I feel balanced most of the time. But in January when the first trimester morning sickness and exhaustion set in, I found myself in survival mode eating toast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and barely peeling myself off the couch to play with my kid.

But now I’m out of the woods and I feel so much better, so my self-care game is on point again, right? Nope. I totally got out of the good habits that were keeping me sane and put all my new energy into work instead, so of course I was feeling impatient and overwhelmed! Alas, it’s back to the basics again. Back to making small tweaks to my day to ensure that I am nurtured and cared for. For me, this can change everyday because I there’s just not enough time to do it all and I’m not someone who needs a super structured routine. For example, this morning it was stretching and breathing deeply while drinking my hot lemon water and watching my son play. Tomorrow it might be lifting some weights or going for a long meditative walk before client calls. The important thing is the mindset and intention that I’m taking care of me first, so I have more to give to the people I love.

Step 3: reaching out

As someone who can be pretty introverted and likes to do things on my own (I’m a 1 / 3 Manifestor in Human Design if that gives you any context), it’s not my second nature to reach out to a friend or community when I’m struggling (or when I’m winning for that matter). But last year after a parenting breakdown, I created a Facebook group for parents who are also trying to raise their children consciously. It truly does take a tribe, and no one was meant to do this alone! So I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to connect and I’m so much better for it.

Simply sharing my story and having a supportive, non-judgmental audience to receive it felt like a huge relief. Then when others shared their similar stories and how they handle it, it not only gave me comfort to know that this is a collective experience and not just me, but it really helped me see my situation from the outside. Having a community or even just one friend that you trust to share your challenges with is an invaluable tool on this journey. It’s uncomfortable at first to be vulnerable and admit that you don’t always have it all together, but it’s incredibly humanizing and comforting to feel supported. If you don’t already have someone to share with, I recommend making it a priority today. You are always welcome to join the Present Parent Network!

Step 4: moving forward

After all the heavy lifting of letting the feelings wash over, releasing old wounds and patterns, taking an honest look at how I can do a better job at staying present, and sharing the burden of it all, comes the release. The deep forgiveness, compassion, and love for myself that I need to feel in order to truly move forward. I think for many of us, this is the hardest part. We’re too used to feeling like we’re not enough if we’re not “perfect” and we’re too used to beating ourselves up for simple being human. We hang onto our mistakes and shortcomings for years or even lifetimes, inevitably repeating them because we can’t seem to just let them go.

But we are human and we do screw up. And our willingness to learn, grow, and expand not in spite of but because of our screw ups...is what makes us exceptional humans. This is the lesson we want to teach our children, isn’t it? Not that we need to be perfect and hold it together all the time and beat ourselves up everytime we lose it, but that we are here constantly learning and experiencing life right alongside them. We’re mature and humble enough to recognize and own up to our mistakes, and we’re evolved enough to love ourselves through the process.

Can you relate to my story? What is your experience with mom rage? Have you felt that loss of control before? What are your triggers and what do you do to work through them? Leave a comment below and share this post with a mama who needs to read it. And if you feel you need extra support in working through some of your motherhood challenges so you can level up, email me or schedule a session.